If Tequila Bottle Wrote The Show
by McFreaks
Summary: ER, the way it should be...Chapter 2: Stop Teenage Pregnancy! Quit the Debate Club!
1. Does SirMixALot Like Booty?

Title: Does Sir-Mix-A-Lot Like Booty?  
Authors: Those sweet and innocent Dirrrty Mormon Girls: TheREALCarbyLove (A.K.A. McBitch, The Porn Queen, McStreaker, McTweaker, Abbie Doobie, Pasties, Frick) and her Flamingo friend (A.K.A. McJackass, The Porn Czar, Free&Easy, AssSmacker, Jack n Tab, Thong, Frack)   
Disclaimer: This is for our own fucked up amusement. Take it as you may - or like Chen the SlutHo-any time, any place, with any body, any face...Look Maura Tierney! I can rhyme, just like Dr. Suess! I would not, could not, in a noose with a moose and Maura Tierney's fine caboose! Now I'm going to protect myself with the Magic Mustard before you-know-who comes through the you-know-what...  
  
~*~*~  
  
Carter: But MauraAbby...we just did it in the drug lock-up, the lounge, and on the roof...I can't do it in the elevator too  
  
Abby: God damn it you lazy ass manbitch ... I said NOW! Am I going to have to spank you or can you manage to get it up on your own this time?  
  
Carter: But I uh...I can't do it tonight...I have to wash my hair  
  
Abby: You want to do it in the shower too? Ok...  
  
Carter: No, no ... I have a headache ... so we can't do it in the shower either ... we can't do it at all.   
  
Abby: You're going to make me do everything again? Maybe Maggie was right...you really are a PansyAss.  
  
Carter: Maggie thinks I'm a PansyAss?  
  
Abby: You were sitting in the car while she was knitting you a flaccid-penis hardener.  
  
Carter: Oh ... I thought that was a scarf.  
  
Abby: Maybe you aren't quite as gay as we thought.  
  
Carter: What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm wearing this ambiguously gay turtleneck and some girly shoes, aren't I?  
  
Abby: My girly shoes...Damn, you really do have small feet.  
  
Carter: Yeah, but I make up for that with my big brain.  
  
Abby: You mean the one that fucked up not once, but twice, and never managed to propose to me?  
  
Carter: You knew about that? How?  
  
Abby: Because I'm not God damn brain dead, you dumbass. What the hell did you think I was gonna think when you rented out the whole restaurant and made some big speech about the state of our relationship? Especially after having shouted out from the rooftop how you wanted to marry me. What a schmuck.  
  
Luka: Excuse me, Ebby ... but word is listed in the employee handbook as "inappropriate workplace terminology."  
  
Abby: Fuck off, St. Luka.  
  
Luka: I would, but I don't see any prostitutes here. Do you?   
  
Carter: Abby's here...why don't you just fuck her instead.   
  
Abby: What the fuck is wrong with you?  
  
Carter: Obviously she's still in love with you because me not proposing is all her fault...I just couldn't ask her when I knew that she is so clearly in love with you and your rugged good looks  
  
Luka: Yes, clearly Ebby is in love with Luka. All females are in love with Luka. It is no wonder she purposely said something to hurt you during that round-a-bout sad excuse for a heart-to-heart conversation you had with her. She wasn't confused as to your underlying meaning, but merely distracted by thoughts of the gorgeous Luka.   
  
Carter: You can say that again...Have you ever looked into Luka's eyes Abby...I mean really looked.   
  
Abby: Huh? What? I'm sorry, I got distracted by Luka's lap dance.  
  
Carter: Lap dance! How can I get me some of that?   
  
Luka: Do you have $5?   
  
Abby: Do you know who you are talking to? He's got millions...His family killed lots of KIDS during the depression...they made millions killing KIDS...lots of KIDS froze to death...Why do I keep mentioning KIDS?  
  
Carter: I don't know. But at least you stopped saying "sperm" every five seconds.  
  
Abby: SPERM?!? What's wrong with saying SPERM. SPERM is what keeps the species alive. SPERM is a miracle of biology. SPERM is what you need to get babies. I want SPERM. GIVE ME YOUR SPERM, PANSYASS ... I NEED SPERM!   
  
Luka: Luka has sperm...Luka can control his sperm with his mind. Luka is the only man who can impregnate any able-bodied woman with a suitable for womb for his offspring.   
  
Abby: Uh ... you have an unnaturally large head ... I don't think I want the fruit of your loins passing through my cha-cha ... look how petite I am ... thanks anyway, though ...   
  
Luka: Look how funny Ebby is...Making jokes about not wanting to have Luka's spawn. All women want to have Luka's spawn. Luka is gorgeous...and any woman would be lucky to have a baby to look at every day that is half Luka sperm.   
  
Abby: Hehe...You said SPERM  
  
Carter: Hey, I've got sperm. Well, if there's any left after the drug lock-up, the lounge, the roof ... but oh yeah ... you've got it all now ... and you know how verile us Carter men are so just sit back and let the magic begin.   
  
Luka: Suddenly not too tired any more, huh? Luka can still work his magic  
  
Abby: Go work your magic on Weaver, St. Stud.   
  
Luka: A lesbian? Is that a challenge? Luka can work his magic on anyone. Luka could impregnate PansyBoy here if he wanted to. But Luka doesn't think that he is worthy of his pretty babies  
  
Carter: Hey man, go talk to Pratt about that. He wishes he could be a gay cat.   
  
Abby: Why does he want to be a cat? Why not a gay dog? How about a nice ambiguously gay black pug? Maybe we could adopt him and shower him with Evian water, diamond-studded doggy collars, and the finest steak in the land.   
  
Carter: Not that kind of cat...you freak. I was getting my black on with the whole "gay cat" thing. Gallant gets it, right homes?  
  
Gallant: Shut the fuck up...crack-ar.   
  
Abby: I'm ready to get my black on too...  
  
Gallant: Uh, Abby? Please! Not here ... besides, sex is best enjoyed in the bounds of holy matrimony ... or in the balcony of your church.   
  
Carter: Yeah, when you are at the mature age of 11, with a maid...because that's not sexual abuse...That's a real man. Take *that* St. I Waited Until My Wedding Night  
  
Abby: I had an instant ejaculator in the 10th grade ... poor Tommy ... couldn't even make it out of his jeans ... such a waste of sperm.   
  
ChenBitch: You stupid nurse, ix-nay on the jaculator-e-ay ... you boyfriend is standing right there.   
  
Abby: Yeah, and he might not ask me to marry him if he knows I was hoin' around in the 10th grade ... oops, too late ... he already DIDN'T ask me to marry him so what difference can it possibly make.   
  
Carter: That was all your fault. You made some backhanded comment about my manhood. Then your mother was all up in my biznaz...You see what I did there G, I said "biznaz" instead of business  
  
Gallant: Yeah, I heard that Dr. Carter. That was uh...Entirely inappropriate  
  
Carter: For shizzle my nizzle?  
  
Gallant: Dr. Carter! What the hell did you just say?  
  
Carter: Don't give me that G-Dog.   
  
Abby: Don't listen to him Mikey...Now are we going to play lopsided oreo tonight or not?  
  
Pratt: Baby, your Oreo doesn't have to be lopsided ... bling bling!   
  
Carter: G! I didn't know you saw the bling bling. Check it out... I pried it off my dead grandmother...pretty bitchin' eh?  
  
Luka: Luka can do special things with oreos Ebby....Things you American boys would never understand.   
  
Susan: Did someone say Oreos ... I'm starving ... but then I'm a fat cow because I gained 10 lbs ... so I guess that makes sense.   
  
Abby: Hey bitch...back off my oreos. But you know what's weird? I've been gaining weight lately too.   
  
ChenTramp: Yeah, you stupid nurse ... and it's all in your boobs.   
  
Pratt: Dr C! You pony up the Gs to buy your shorty some new boobs? Nice. Bling bling.   
  
Susan: Maybe you could spring for some new clothes...She's busting out of her shirt. And there's only enough room in this place for my mega-boobies...She gets the hot ass, and I get the mega-boobies...That's how it has been and that's how it will be.   
  
Abby: Whoa, whoa, whoa...Why isn't anyone staring at my ass right now. I look hot. I know I look hot. Don't I look hot?  
  
Luka: Luka thinks you look hot.   
  
Carter: My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun...  
  
Pratt: Baby got back, mm-hmm.   
  
Abby: I guess eating my weight in Godfather's pizza everyday isn't such a bad idea after all.   
  
Dave: So you like Italian, huh Abby? I'm Italian...I bet you like Italian sausage too...  
  
ChenSlut: What the hell are you doing here?  
  
Dave: Just looking for you.   
  
Abby: But you were just hitting on me.   
  
Dave: Please, ladies...There's enough of me to go around.   
  
Carter: Hey Dave, sup?  
  
Dave: Uh...I'm out of here  
  
Weaver: Okay, ladies ... can we break up the stitch and bitch? There are patients waiting ... and my Abby, don't you look ever so lovely in that tight t-shirt that keeps riding up and showing off your oddly rounded belly.   
  
Abby: Thank you, Kerry ... and may I just say that your new dyke-do is most becoming on you. It goes well with your crutch.   
  
Carter: Yo, bi-Atch ... the lesbo doesn't have the bling-bling, if you know what I'm sayin ... you gots to look to the Mac Daddy Carter for that she-it.   
  
Abby: Why'd you have to go and ruin our moment like that Carter? You asshole. I was this close to making out with her...This fucking close!   
  
Carter: I calls 'em as I sees 'em bi-atch.   
  
Susan: How exactly do you see things Carter? Through crystal glasses?   
  
Carter: Don't be stupid...Those are diamonds, not crystals  
  
Susan: How come I never got any diamonds from you, you jackass? The SuperTramp Harper got diamond earrings and you tried to give that tasty bitch ... I mean, randy bitch a diamond ring.  
  
Randi: Did someone call me?   
  
Luka: I thought they said Randy Bitch...that's me. Who the hell do you think you are?  
  
Abby: Who do you think you are wearing that shirt? I'm supposed to be the one busting out of my clothes here.   
  
Randi: Oh, you like my shirt? It's from the new Randiwear collection...I'm working on some new stuff that the little fucker could wear when he breaks loose.   
  
Abby: Little fucker...what little fucker?  
  
Carter: Uh...She was talking about my penis...just like the thing Maggie was making me.   
  
Susan: What? No, she was talking about Abby's ba-  
  
Carter: Bad ass sense of style...word  
  
ChenHo: No, she meant Abby's b-   
  
Carter: Bitchin fashion sense ... what up, Moms?   
  
Eleanor: What am I doing here? This place is filthy. Oh, you're here too. John dear, you are still associating yourself with this piece of trash?   
  
Abby: I know you didn't just dis me.   
  
Kerry: She said John Deere...Are you seeing anyone Mrs. Carter? Because I've got a really cute friend that would think you are great...  
  
Eleanor: Oh really, what is his name? I certainly hope he doesn't work in this establishment.   
  
Kerry: Oh no, she rides John Deeres...  
  
Eleanor: I'm sorry, but she? Rides John Deeres...How disturbing.   
  
Abby: Why is that disturbing...I ride your John Dear too...  
  
Eleanor: John! Is this true?  
  
Carter: Don't get all up in my grill...  
  
Eleanor: Grill? Now John, what have a told you about participating in such bourgoise affairs as cook outs ... that's just so beneath a Carter.  
  
Abby: Yeah, I like to get beneath Carter too ... whichever way he wants really ... it's fine with me ... doggy style, bent over the furniture ... up against a wall ... with me sitting on the counter ... basically, I'm friggin easy.   
  
ChenSlut: Impressive...I'm not even that friggin easy.   
  
Susan: I didn't think any of that was even friggin' possible.   
  
Abby: Dude, we need to hang out more.   
  
Luka: And Luka needs to watch.   
  
Abby: Holy shit, you people need help. Well, I guess we'll have to start having demonstrations ... you wouldn't believe the things we can do with bunch of grapes and some dental floss.   
  
Eleanor: I surely hope that's wax dental floss, Carters have sensitive teeth you know.   
  
Abby: What the hell does the floss have to do with his teeth?  
  
Eleanor: Why, I never!   
  
Lizzie The Shrew: I'm British and even *I've* used floss before. Never used floss, my that's just dreadful.  
  
Abby: So anyway ... look at my ass.   
  
Luka: No, look at Luka's ass. It's foreign. And have you seen the size of my feet? You know what they say about men with big feet...  
  
Carter: They have small brains?   
  
Abby: That must be why yours is so big. But based on my years of experience, I've found nothing to prove that a man's footsize has anything to do with the size of his manhood.   
  
ChenBag: I partly disagree...I think that size of a man's big toe gives some indication as to the penis width.   
  
Susan: I really need to get out more.   
  
Kerry: Do we have to talk about this?  
  
Romano: What's wrong my lesbian friend? Are you threatened by the mention of men's penises? Are you sure your so-called lesbianism isn't merely a fear of the one-eyed snake? I could help you to conquer your fears and be know as the Rocket who got Chicago's biggest dyke to switch teams ... catchy, isn't it?   
  
Susan: Nah, I like "One-armed Bob" better   
  
Luka: How did you know that was Luka's American name for his penis?  
  
Susan: A little birdy told me. But I love a man who names his penis ... what you say you give me a ride with that viper of yours?  
  
Carter: I already told you my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.   
  
Susan: I wasn't talking to you...I was talking to Luka and Bob.   
  
Carter: But I named my penis after a snake too. Why doesn't anyone want to play with my snake?   
  
Luka: Because you don't drive a car that looks like the male penis.   
  
Abby: Yeah...he drives a Jeep...and *rents* a two bedroom apartment...And kills freezing KIDS...while KIDS are dying...KIDS KIDS KIDS...  
  
Carter: Abby, do you have some sort of weird form of tourette's syndrome?   
  
Abby: Maybe I'm bipolar...just like my KIDS could be...which is why you don't want to love me. But you're too stupid to see past the fact that I really do want you to love me and want you to marry me. But you and your flaccid penis and your limp ring-box didn't even ask me.   
  
Carter: What the hell is wrong with you? You're not bipolar.  
  
Maggie: He's right, dear. I've been watching you since you were a little girl ... you're not bipolar so you should get on with your life ... go to med school   
  
Abby: Screw that.  
  
Maggie: Get married.  
  
Abby: I'd LOVE to ... but a certain PansyAss chickened out.   
  
Maggie: Get pregnant!   
  
Susan: I think she's got that one under control.   
  
Abby: But I never even told you about that.   
  
Susan: I think it's pretty obvious...  
  
Abby: How can it be obvious? It happened years ago.   
  
Susan: I don't think that's possible.   
  
Abby: Sure it was...Richard never even knew about it.   
  
Susan: Richard? What the hell are you talking about?   
  
Abby: What the hell are you talking about.   
  
Susan: I'm talking about the fact that you are pre-  
  
Carter: --paring yourself for a night of gurney-rockin' lovin.   
  
Luka: With Luka.   
  
Susan: You didn't have to tell me, anyway ... the little fucker pops out to say hi every time I enter the room ... if you want to hide that thing, maybe you should get a bigger shirt.   
  
Abby: But if I got a bigger shirt I couldn't show off my mega-boobies.   
  
EvilOrman: There will be no new shirts. There are no mega-boobies. There is no baby. There is, however, a MagicID Badge that will hide anything and everything  
  
Abby: Baby? BABY? Why is this jackass talking about a BABY? This is the ER, not OB ... I don't see any BABIES ... but I like BABIES ... too bad I can't have any BABIES because I'm not meant to be a mother.  
  
Maggie: Of course you can be a mother.  
  
Luka: Luka likes babies...Luka has millions of babies in his pants...Do you want to have a St. Luka baby? Just look into Luka's eyes and Luka will make you a baby.   
  
Carter: Luka's just so dreamy.   
  
Abby: Goddamnit Carter...Why'd you have to look at Luka? Now he cast his seed onto my fertile ground and I've got this weird growth in my stomach.   
  
Susan: Honey, that growth has been in your "stomach" since long before Luka looked at your just now. I don't think he put it there at all.   
  
Luka: Are you questioning the vitality of Luka's sperm?  
  
Abby: Did someone say SPERM?  
  
Susan: How about I test out your sperm, Luka ... we'll see just what kind of vitality it has.   
  
Carter: Besides, Abby ... you've already got all my sperm, you don't need St. Luka's sperm too.   
  
Abby: Haha, everybody said SPERM ... SPERM SPERM SPERM ... SPERM makes BABIES. BABIES BABIES BABIES.   
  
Maggie: That's right dear, you and John the PansyAss should have some children so you can stop drinking and smoking.   
  
Abby: I don't need to be fixed.   
  
Carter: Yeah, she doesn't need to be fixed. And I'm not going to be the one to fix her.   
  
Susan: I had a dog that got fixed once...It was a terrior-mix...Those are the best kind.   
  
Luka: Luka will never be fixed...He must repopulate the world with pretty Luka babies...  
  
Abby: Someone said BABIES!   
  
Susan: Yes...someone did say babies...You...over and over again. So why can't we talk about your ba-  
  
Carter: d hair day...tell me about it Abby, will you just pick a color and go with it?   
  
Abby: I'm blonde...just like my mom. I though you liked blondes Carter...and I thought you liked my mom.   
  
Dave: I like your mom.   
  
Maggie: Why thank you, Dave.  
  
Dave: You know, I've always had this mother-daughter fantasy ... and I've got sperm ... and it works.   
  
Abby: You said SPERM!  
  
Susan: Yeah, just like you keep saying every 5 seconds ...   
  
Abby: Oh! Oooooh ... Carter, my appendix hurts.   
  
Carter: Appendix? What? How do you know its your appendix?  
  
ChenSlut: Yeah really Abby, you're just a nurse. You're not qualified to make that assessment  
  
Abby: Well how else would you explain these intense shooting pains in my lower abdomen?   
  
ChenSlut: You were obviously born with Marfan's and now your widened media-stienum is causing an aortic dissection due to weak connective tissue of the left chamber of the heart.   
  
Susan: Or she ate 12 too many cartons of ice cream for lunch  
  
Abby: It hurts! Someone help me. I need my friend ... my best friend ... where oh where is Tequila Bottle?   
  
EvilOrman: Props! Where is the props guy?   
  
Carter: Props? Who needs props....I'll give you props.   
  
Abby: I'll give fucking props to the first person who gets me flying high on a Demerol IV!  
  
****


	2. Stop Teenage Pregnancy! Quit the Debate ...

__

Title: If Tequila Bottle Wrote the Show

Authors: Freaky McFreaks … if you don't know who we are … tough shit to you. 

Disclaimer: My cousin Guido and I are still trying to "persuade" John Wells to give us ER … stubborn bastard. You might as well know now, this is pure fucked up nonsense. So if you don't like that kind of thing, turn back now. 

Authors' notes: Okay, who the hell stole our ducks? Give them the fuck back. And while you're at it, review, why don't you?

~*~*~  


****

Chapter 2: Stop Teenage Pregnancy! Quit the Debate Club! 

  
Abby: Hey Carter, why is the tumor in my abdomen kicking me?   
  
Carter: I don't know. It's kicking me too. But why the hell are you asking me? I don't have the training to tell you something like that.  
  
Abby: I thought you were a doctor. I mean, in addition to being a pansy ass.  
  
Carter: Sure I'm a doctor...But I'm also your clueless boyfriend. Why would I be able to tell you why your insanely large stomach is kicking me? Maybe your stomach is just growling because you only ate 3 lunches today.  
  
Abby: Are you calling me fat? You better not calling me fat!   
  
Carter: I can't tell, that MagicID Badge of yours is cleverly covering your belly.  
  
Abby: What belly? I don't have an insanely large belly hiding behind this ID badge. I just have to wear a badge on a string because I'm head nurse.   
  
Carter: Then why didn't Haleh wear one before?  
  
Susan: Because you dumbass motherfuckers, she was just fat, not pregnant!   
  
Abby: I'm NOT fat!  
  
Carter: Of course you aren't, sweetie ... you're just big-boned.   
  
Luka: More than you can say about Carter.   
  
Susan: Gross. How the fuck would you know that anyway Luka?  
  
Luka: Luka has X-ray vision in addition to his super-intelligent sperm  
  
Abby: You said "SPERM" hahaha!   
  
Susan: Abby, I think you can get past your sperm obsession now.   
  
Abby: Obsession? I'm not obsessed...I just think it's funny when people say dirrrty words.   
  
Susan: You're a goddamn nurse. Sperm shouldn't be a dirty word to you.   
  
ChenBitch: But she's *just* a nurse ... she's not qualified to discuss technical medical matters like "sperm".  
  
Abby: And you're *just* a bitch...yet you somehow manage to get screen time. And why did you get to take your shirt off and go down on Pratt when I didn't even get to show off my bare hot ass while I went down on PansyAss in the shower?  
  
ChenBitch: Hey, hey! Just because I gave a guy a hand release at Harry Potter doesn't make me a slut. Just because I had SPERM ... I mean, club soda on my sweater ... that doesn't make me a slut.   
  
Luka: Wait ... Ebby ... you and Carter do it in the shower? You would never do it with Luka in the shower. And you went down on Carter? What the hell? You told Luka you don't do that kind of thing.   
  
Carter: You mean for once you'd do something to me that you wouldn't do for him? I knew it...You always wanted me over him.   
  
Abby: Why don't you ask ChenSlut to go down on you in the shower Luka? I'm sure she wouldn't have a problem with it.   
  
ChenSlut: I am not a slut!  
  
Randall from Harry Potter: Well, actually ... you are kinda slutty.  
  
Father of ChenSlut's Bastard Child: Um, yeah she is.  
  
Pratt: Kinda slutty? Damn, that bi-atch is a full-on slut. She's got her ho on.   
  
Carter: Word to yah mothah from anothah brothah.   
  
Pratt: What the hell is wrong with you?   
  
Carter: If she can get her ho on...I can get my homey on.  
  
Abby: How about if you just get the french maid's costume on?   
  
Luka: How about Ebby wears that Catholic school girl uniform I bought her?  
  
Susan: I thought you said that was a joke.   
  
Abby: Well, he *bought* it ... that doesn't mean I wore it. Besides, why did I need some Salvation Army school girl uniform when I saved the real thing.   
  
Carter: Oh, I like that outfit! Not as much as the nun outfit, but ...   
  
Susan: A nun? You two are seriously fucked up.   
  
Luka: Luka doesn't think it's right to mock the Church...The bishop would be so disappointed.   
  
Abby: But I didn't even have sex with the bishop...and if we did, there's no way in hell he'd ever be disappointed   
  
Luka: Holy Mary, mother of God ... Luka can't believe he is hearing such things.   
  
Carter: I can get a bishop's outfit if it makes you happy, Abby. Or at least a priest outfit.   
  
Abby: How appropriate, ambiguously-gay boy.   
  
Susan: I like to make out with younger boys...Maybe I should wear the priest's outfit...It will be a different kind of manshirt.   
  
Carter: But then you'd have to make out with Abby.   
  
Abby: That's okay ... I can dress up like I'm a boy.   
  
Carter: What about me?  
  
Abby: You can watch.  
  
Susan: I'm not making out with Abby...What do you think this is, Girl's Club?  
  
ChenSlut: Hey! Abby wouldn't make out with me!  
  
Abby: Why would I make out with you? I'm obviously not up to your slutty standards ... you think I'm just a stupid bitch.   
  
Luka: Luka thinks you aren't that pretty or that special. But you still made out with me.   
  
Abby: Yeah, *before* you told me that..you shithead  
  
Carter: I didn't know that was all it would take to get you to stop making out with me.  
  
Susan: You WANT her to stop making out with you?   
  
Carter: Well, sometimes an ambiguously gay pansy ass needs rest.   
  
Abby: Rest? Why would you ever need to rest? I'm the one doing all the work every three hours.   
  
Susan: Every three hours? Damn Carter, can I borrow Abby for a night or two?   
  
Abby: Just name the time and place, Susiecakes.   
  
Susan: Right here, right now.   
  
Pratt: This is too good to be true. Two chicks going at it.   
  
Carter: Two *chicks* going at it? This is appauling  
  
Abby: I thought this was every man's fantasy? Are you saying you wouldn't like a little something-something with me and Susan?   
  
Carter: Like what? Hot fudge sundaes?  
  
Abby: Sure ... of course, we'll all be naked.   
  
Carter: Oh, well, that sounds pretty good.   
  
Susan: The way you've been eating lately though Abby, I don't think anyone else will be able to eat anything.   
  
Abby: I think you're missing the point...You'll be too distracted by my hot ass to care about eating anything.   
  
Carter: Yeah, Abby's ass is hot. Big and round. I like big butts.  
  
Pratt: Me too dog, me too.   
  
ChenSlut: Because that's the most important thing...That she has a big ass. Are you trying to tell me you don't like my skinny skank-ass because I'm not black?   
  
Carter: Chill the fuck out there you slut. Just let Pratty-boy knock you up like I did to Abby and then your ass and your boobies will get bigger too  
  
Abby: Look at my boobies! Look how nice and round and full they are.   
  
Susan: And look how purely coincidental that is.   
  
Abby: Of course it's a coincidence. I mean, it just so happened that my boobies doubled in size and then my butt got bigger and then I got this peculiar growth in my stomach. Which is kicking me to death. What a strange bunch of coincidences, huh?  
  
Carter: You're right. Those are really strange. Maybe you should see a doctor about that...  
  
ChenSlut: He's right Abby, you are just a nurse. An ER nurse who was formerly an OB nurse...You obviously can't tell what is going on in your body without proper head-up-your-ass training.   
  
Abby: I'm not that flexible ... espeically now with this ... this ... growth ... believe me, if I was ... I wouldn't need Carter.  
  
Carter: Of course you need me Abby. What would you do without me to satisfy your need to @#$@# like jackrabbits 5 times a day.   
  
Luka: Ebby, you told me you were allergic to having sex more than once a day. Why would you tell me something like that?  
  
Susan: Why would you believe something like that?  
  
Luka: Luka doesn't know the ways of American women.   
  
Susan: Luka's a dumbfuck.  
  
Abby: No, he's really not that dumb of a fuck. ...I mean sure, he's fucked his number of dumb people...Just look at Neecole. But on the other hand...He did have his way with me...And I'm really really smart...It's just too bad I can't figure out what this fucked up growth is. Maybe it's a really rare disease and I'm the first person to get it.   
  
Susan: Yeah, bitch ... that's right ... you the first person to get "About to pop out a little fucker" disease. Let me write your stupid ass up in a medical journal for this one. 'Humps like a jackrabbit ... gets knocked up ... gives birth.' Wow ... that's a new one.   
  
Abby: What are you trying to say?  
  
Susan: I wasn't clear?   
  
Abby: I have no idea what the hell you are talking about.   
  
Susan: A baby! I was talking about a baby!  
  
Abby: You're having a baby? That's so exciting!  
  
Susan: Yeah, bitch. With all the sex I've been having ... that's right ... I'm gonna have a baby. Immaculate conception.   
  
Abby: Hey, just like Jesus. That's pretty special of you Susan.   
  
Luka: Are you sure it isn't Luka's baby? I did look at you for 3 whole seconds yesterday.   
  
Susan: What a bunch of fucking morons. *I'm* not pregnant. *I'm* not the one with big boobs and wide hips and a round belly that KEEPS KICKING ME!   
  
Carter: What are you talking about? Your boobs are huge.   
  
Abby: What the fuck are you doing looking at her huge boobs when I've got my own set of mega-boobies?  
  
Carter: Sorry Abby ... I don't know what I was thinking. Are you gonna have to spank me for that?  
  
Abby: Of course. Then I'm going to have to show you exactly what you've been missing while looking at Susan's rack. But after I sit down for a while. This weird bulge of mine is really starting to kick me hard.   
  
Carter: After you sit down for a while? You mean you aren't ready to get started right now...Are you feeling ok?  
  
Abby: No, I told you, my tumor is kicking me ... really hard ... and it's really starting to hurt.   
  
Carter: That's pretty weird...  
  
Abby: What the hell is happening to me? You're all doctors...HELP ME!  
  
Susan: Well this is a tough one...Bitch, you're probably just going into labor.   
  
Abby: Just going into labor? I'm not even pregnant...I've just got this weird kicking growth in my stomach.   
  
Susan: What the hell did you think that was?  
  
Abby: Duh...a tumor with a twitching problem.   
  
Susan: Hey bitch? I know you're just an OB nurse and all ... but let me clue you in ... TUMORS DON'T KICK! That's a baby in there.   
  
Abby: What? No! How'd that happen?   
  
Luka: Luka looked at you.   
  
Susan: I don't think that was it. This is just a crazy guess...But maybe it had something to do with the fact that you and Carter spend more than half the day going at it...You'd have to think you'd get knocked up one of these days  
  
Abby: I don't understand. I can't be pregnant ... I'm a nurse, wouldn't I know?   
  
Susan: You'd think.   
  
Carter: But I'm a doctor, I would have been able to tell.   
  
Susan: Please, you can't even tell the difference between your sweaters and Abby's sweaters.   
  
Carter: What are you talking about? This salmon colored turtleneck is mine, not Abby's.  
  
Abby: He's right. I'd never wear anything so pansy-assed as that pink sweater.   
  
Carter: Pansy-assed? What do you mean? This is a beautiful, 100% rabbit hair, salmon-colored garment.   
  
Abby: That's my point exactly. You know what? I don't have time to discuss your wardrobe...My stomach is acting up again. That's like the second time in 3 minutes...What the hell is going on here?   
  
Susan: Abby ... I want you to think back to all those years in OB ... remember what you did as an OB nurse?   
  
Abby: Dammit, Susan ... I don't have time to play "career day" ... this really fucking hurts ... what the hell? It's like there's something trapped inside of me trying to break free. OOWWWW!!   
  
Susan: You're right...It's almost like *something* is trying to break free. But it couldn't be something as crazy as a baby, now could it?   
  
Abby: Of course not...I don't have babies...My mom was crazy...my brother is crazy...So that means my babies will be crazy, so I don't have babies.   
  
Susan: Sure, you don't have any yet...but you're going to have one in a few hours.   
  
Abby: How do you figure?  
  
Susan: How do I figure? HOW DO I FIGURE? Well, I figure that baby that's inside of you, making that bump under your shirt is gonna come sliding out whether you want it to or not. And then you'll have a baby!   
  
Abby: Wow...that was really fast. I thought pregnancy took nine months? You're telling me that I find out I'm having a baby today...and then it's just going to slide out of me later on? That's pretty damn amazing.  
  
Susan: Oh my God, you dumbshit. It's been in there for nine months already. Carter -- didn't you notice her getting rounder and rounder? Didn't you think it was weird that her belly kept kicking you?   
  
Carter: Well, she was puking a lot...then she was eating a lot...so I just figured she was getting fat and then the food she was eating was just exploading in her stomach...I mean she was eating popsicles called "firecrackers" all the time...It all just seemed to make sense  
  
Susan: And you're a doctor?   
  
Carter: I am? Oh yeah...I guess I am.   
  
Susan: Unbelievable.   
  
Abby: Yeah, he really is unbelievable. Did I ever tell you about that time we -- OWWWW ... there it is again! Oh! I need a doctor!   
  
Carter: But where are you going to find one?  
  
Susan: Oh my *God*...What is wrong with you? You just said you were a doctor...And I'm a doctor...And ChenSlut's a doctor...And Luka's a doctor...And Pratt's a doctor. The only one here that isn't a doctor is Abby.   
  
Abby: You too with the I'm *just* a nurse, Susan? That's the last time I let you stare at my ass, you bitch  
  
ChenSlut: See, Abby ... I told you not to get up in my business, you're just a nurse ... you're not qualified to make any decisions.   
  
Abby: I'm qualified to stick my fuck-me boot straight up your ass.   
  
Carter: Oh, now this I'd like to see.  
  
Abby: Quit smiling, you're next.   
  
Carter: What the hell did I do?  
  
Abby: You're responsible for the little fucker that's playing La Bamba on my stomach lining.   
  
Carter: Me? You're the one who won't let me rest until we've done it in every room of the hospital.  
  
Abby: Yeah, but you're the one with the SPERM!! Haha! I said "sperm!!"   
  
Susan: What the hell is wrong with you?   
  
Abby: You mean beside the 7 pound parasite with a head the size of a watermelon trying to get out of me? Dammit, Carter ... why did you have to be so fertile? I thought I'd be safe with such a pansy ass.   
  
Carter: I just thought all the visits with your good friend Tequila Bottle would have rendered you the unfertile one.   
  
Abby: Well, that's fucking stupid ... it's just booze ... it's not like it's weed. I TOLD you to smoke up ... if you'd just listened to me, you could have killed all your damn SPERM. I said "sperm!!" Haha!! But oh no ... the straightest ambiguously gay man in Chicago wouldn't have anything to do with that.   
  
Carter: Abby, I have an addictive personality...remember the painkillers? There's no way in hell I was going to risk getting addicted to weed.   
  
Abby: Don't be so stupid you PansyAss...No one gets addicted to weed. All this talk about pot...I could really use some to get rid of this pain right about now.   
  
Susan: You can't honestly be that stupid. You're about to have a baby...you can't get stoned before you give birth.   
  
Abby: Why the fuck not? It seems like the perfect time to get high to me...


End file.
